the hole, vol 1

“We consume so we never have to answer the hard questions. When we are bored we eat. When we are lonely we watch a movie, read the newspaper, jump on social media. Each time we do we cover up our real emotions and keep throwing another layer of confusion and anxiety on top, making it almost impossible to dig ourselves out of the hole, or at least see which way is up. How can we expect to be happy when we have no peace of mind, when our mind is constantly jumping from the present to the past? When your mind is constantly running and filled with anxiety and fear, where is the freedom? You are stuck in the prison of your mind, stuck in thoughts and feelings from yesterday, from five years ago. There comes a time when everyone has to stop, look deep, breathe and let go.” Evan Sutter, Solitude: How Doing Nothing Can Change the World

Inspired by treat yo self, I present the idea of support yo self. I’ve been thinking about how to start this blog. Then I was laughing because I realized I was trying to decide which one of my issues to begin with. Then I laughed more because that is so dramatic. Then I cried into my *Postmates delivered pasta and here we are…

I kinda know where to start though. My sadness/anxiety/fuck everything mood happens like clockwork. It happened this past week, and the week before. I can tell shit is about to go south based on two things…

1. If I can get out of bed in the morning. It’s either I’m awake at 5 and leave the house prepped by 6:10 or scrambling to find my pants at 6:30 and late.

2. My eating habits. It’s either perfectly portioned packed lunches or leftovers from the staff fridge that weren’t labeled.

…and it was going south reallll fast. If I lose my routine for more than 48 hours, I’m in what I will now refer to as “the hole”. Everything is a blur in “the hole”. All your time passes by but you can’t remember a single thing you did. Your browsing history says otherwise. Because the internet is the biggest hole that ever existed. This happens every couple of months. When it happens I have a hard time crawling out. I’m not sure what to label “the hole”. The hole just fucking sucks.

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This is a vicious cycle I’m always trying to manage. My inability to commit to something that is good for me is fascinating because I KNOW myself. I KNOW what I need to do to support myself to have a good week. If I fill my week with things I love: work, two (maybe three) people, baking, cooking, reading, writing, exercise, the outdoors…life is a dream. But inevitably I get distracted. I forget my goals, I rebel against rules I create for myself, and my life feels like a total mess.

My goal, and with the help of this blog, is to learn to support myself when I am self-sabotaging. To be gentle rather than punish myself more. Instant gratification exists because it’s easier to choose what makes you feel better now versus later. Of course it is. Something I find helpful is to prepare as much as possible for the coming week. Laundry, groceries, meal prep, cleaning, calendar organizing, family phone calls. It’s when I reset and do progress checks.

This week I am supporting myself by doing these things! Things like making lists of the things I’m doing. I’m most excited about my new tracking method for waking up in the morning. My genius plan that no one has ever thought of before is to sleep with my phone across the room. Then, when my alarm goes off I have to get out of bed to turn it off AND write down what time I got up. Then, I can use that data to say, “SEE! When I wake up at 5 AM every day I am x% less bitter!”. I’m convinced that I can only reach my full potential after I’ve crafted a solid morning routine. If only life were that simple?

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Here we go! Love to you! I’m so glad you’re here!

 

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11 thoughts on “the hole, vol 1

  1. teresagregory

    Congratulations! Good job taking the first step. Now don’t be me and forget the next step.

    When I was working and had to get up in the morning, I always had my alarm on a table at the opposite corner of the bed so I had to get up when it rang. I hit “snooze” and went back to bed. I hit “snooze” four or five times every morning. By that time, I was as awake as I was going to get. You have to do what works for you.

    Miss you!
    Teresa

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Trena Corinne

    Yay! I love this!

    I scheduled time at the gym 3x/week for the next six weeks. It’s in my planner (paper because I am old school, plus I like office supplies), along with some motivational quotes to keep me going when I hate sweating, which is always.

    Baking once a week is proving to be more therapeutic than I thought it would be.

    And I’m also rilll cognizant of how much time I’m spending on FB and the news. The world is super shit right now, and I can only take in so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. eshsunshine

    LOVE this. All of it. Even the raw hurt (although I wish you weren’t experiencing it!!!), because we ALL have shit that is hard and your namingbit and sharing it so bravely makes me feel a teensy bit better about my shit.
    I love that you play guitar and cook and bake and love Tom Petty 💔.
    Thank you for the rawness. 💖

    Like

  4. Shoob

    Thank you for beautiful words and raw honesty, Broot! I try to create something everyday because I’m happiest when I’m creating. I also have been making time to read almost everyday, along with a good dose of cat cuddles. I love you!

    Like

  5. Pingback: support yo self sunday | self-care, vol 6

  6. Pingback: support yo self sundays | vol 11, solitude – awkward asshole

  7. Pingback: support yo self sunday | the goalless summer of love, vol 17 – awkward asshole

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