“We consume so we never have to answer the hard questions. When we are bored we eat. When we are lonely we watch a movie, read the newspaper, jump on social media. Each time we do we cover up our real emotions and keep throwing another layer of confusion and anxiety on top, making it almost impossible to dig ourselves out of the hole, or at least see which way is up. How can we expect to be happy when we have no peace of mind, when our mind is constantly jumping from the present to the past? When your mind is constantly running and filled with anxiety and fear, where is the freedom? You are stuck in the prison of your mind, stuck in thoughts and feelings from yesterday, from five years ago. There comes a time when everyone has to stop, look deep, breathe and let go.” Evan Sutter, Solitude: How Doing Nothing Can Change the World
Inspired by treat yo self, I present the idea of support yo self. I’ve been thinking about how to start this blog. Then I was laughing because I realized I was trying to decide which one of my issues to begin with. Then I laughed more because that is so dramatic. Then I cried into my *Postmates delivered pasta and here we are…
I kinda know where to start though. My sadness/anxiety/fuck everything mood happens like clockwork. It happened this past week, and the week before. I can tell shit is about to go south based on two things…
1. If I can get out of bed in the morning. It’s either I’m awake at 5 and leave the house prepped by 6:10 or scrambling to find my pants at 6:30 and late.
2. My eating habits. It’s either perfectly portioned packed lunches or leftovers from the staff fridge that weren’t labeled.
…and it was going south reallll fast. If I lose my routine for more than 48 hours, I’m in what I will now refer to as “the hole”. Everything is a blur in “the hole”. All your time passes by but you can’t remember a single thing you did. Your browsing history says otherwise. Because the internet is the biggest hole that ever existed. This happens every couple of months. When it happens I have a hard time crawling out. I’m not sure what to label “the hole”. The hole just fucking sucks.
This is a vicious cycle I’m always trying to manage. My inability to commit to something that is good for me is fascinating because I KNOW myself. I KNOW what I need to do to support myself to have a good week. If I fill my week with things I love: work, two (maybe three) people, baking, cooking, reading, writing, exercise, the outdoors…life is a dream. But inevitably I get distracted. I forget my goals, I rebel against rules I create for myself, and my life feels like a total mess.
My goal, and with the help of this blog, is to learn to support myself when I am self-sabotaging. To be gentle rather than punish myself more. Instant gratification exists because it’s easier to choose what makes you feel better now versus later. Of course it is. Something I find helpful is to prepare as much as possible for the coming week. Laundry, groceries, meal prep, cleaning, calendar organizing, family phone calls. It’s when I reset and do progress checks.
This week I am supporting myself by doing these things! Things like making lists of the things I’m doing. I’m most excited about my new tracking method for waking up in the morning. My genius plan that no one has ever thought of before is to sleep with my phone across the room. Then, when my alarm goes off I have to get out of bed to turn it off AND write down what time I got up. Then, I can use that data to say, “SEE! When I wake up at 5 AM every day I am x% less bitter!”. I’m convinced that I can only reach my full potential after I’ve crafted a solid morning routine. If only life were that simple?
Here we go! Love to you! I’m so glad you’re here!