Molly: “You gotta fuck a lot of frogs to get a good frog.”
Issa: “That’s not the saying. Or any saying.”
September 5th, 2017
Today is your 25th birthday. Look at you, Brittany! You’ve accomplished everything you set out to do this year. You changed careers, moved to a new city, and are so excited about life. You know what would make life even better? A partner to share it with! Yes, I know you don’t NEED a partner…but for the first time in your life you WANT one! Shit…this means I have to start dating. I’ve never dated. Where do I start? Hmm…online dating? I dunno…is that how you want to meet someone? I guess you can hope to meet someone organically in a coffee shop or library or something. What? YES, I know this is 2017…ugh, so that means I can’t still be a hopeless romantic? OK, let’s go out, have a few beers, and think about it. Alright…Bumble. The “feminist” one! Sweet. Oh right, I have to put pictures on this thing. I hate pictures. OK…about me. I hate writing about me. I don’t want to do this anymore. Er…OK, has to be something witty and with a little spunk so they think I’m super cool and interesting, but also PERFECT. Alright…swiping…swiping. Wait, what am I even looking for on this app? A husband? Someone to waste time with? A fuck buddy? Breathe. Don’t take it too seriously! You’re in it for the learning experiences. Yeah, I want love but can also be a casual relationship kinda person. I can totally suppress any feelings I have in the name of “fun”. No big deal. I’m just gonna put myself out there and see what happens. Do something that scares you everyday, right? OMG. I kinda skipped the whole college casual sex with hot dudes phase…that’s the real point of these apps, right? I can be that girl! HAHA, no. Maybe? I’ll sleep on it. I mean, it’s been how long? Don’t answer that. I DESERVE LOVE AND INTIMACY TOO. Oooooh, he’s cute. We matched! This is so fun!
December 16th, 2017
NOPE. DONE. WHAT THE SHIT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU? So much for being the cool girl that goes with the flow. You’re a crazy bitch…but I kinda love you for it. No, forreal though, who are you? Did you really run away from *Brad last night after pretending to make a phone call? Like, physically sprint blocks and blocks because you panicked? He called the cops because he thought you were abducted!
“Um…oh, hi policeman. No, I’m alive and well. I just realized I didn’t want to actually sleep with that guy and didn’t know what else to do. Have you read that article where it says women sleep with men to be polite? THAT WAS GONNA BE ME. Do you want that for me? …hello? HELLO?”.
Wow…maybe you are an asshole. It’s been a few months of dating and you’ve already gone off the deep end. Yes…I know you are still hung up about *Chad who played you like he (POORLY) does his stupid fiddle. I don’t care if that’s immature. You only dated Chad for six weeks! Why are you so upset? It’s OK, I understand. I mean, holy shit…you ACTUALLY liked someone for the first time in your adult life. It sucks to catch glimmers of what life might look like sharing it with another person and then having it CRASH. Also, sexxx is real nice. You’re only human; and you did the right thing! You love yourself too much and have come too far to waste your time with fools.
This was the guy who went from taking you on amazing dates (even a 24 hour road trip one WTF) and wanting to see you at least once a week if not more and doing very non-casual couple-y things to Mr. Sorry I’m Unavailable All 72 Hours of the Weekend Now but How is Your Day & Oh Can’t See You Much Because the “Holidays” guy. The guy who for the first time in history actually wanted to watch a movie…AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM IN HIS FUCKING CHAIR. The guy who was too tired to come over when you gave your super sexy “hey, so, my vibrator ran out of batteries if you wanna come over instead…” line.
The inconsistency and ambivalence was blinding. But rather than ending it, he was gonna string you along until he found something better. Which is why YOU put the brakes on the relationship. But then you felt bad because what if you made a mistake and he was busy!? But then you said NO NO NO you will not tolerate that busy line bullshit.
And thank god you didn’t go along with it because this turned out to be the same guy who went out of his way to swipe up another Bumble-bee and meet her at a bar…A BLOCK FROM YOUR HOUSE that following weekend. So he doesn’t have time to continue to get to know this bomb ass chick (you, duh) he’s been poking on the reg but he has time to BE ON THIS DAMN APP AND START BRAND NEW RELATIONSHIPS??? GFY, dude!
How do you know this? Doesn’t matter. Like Beyoncé says…what’s worse? Looking jealous or crazy? In this story, you’d rather be crazy. But crazy is exhausting and NOT you, so that side of you is canceled. Should you feel bad? Maybe, but HELL NO. How long has he lived his life treating people that way? Probs forever, but he messed with the wrong person’s heart this time. He did NOT know what kind of midwestern self-deprecating white trash he was fooling with. Also, Danna told her therapist and she said it was a hilarious story which obviously makes it not insane if the therapist is on your side.
Why do people do this rather than be honest? It’s not the dating other people that hurts the most but the lying about being busy! The excuses and mind games! Chalk it up to his low self-esteem and emotional unavailability. Emotional honesty is hard but you are willing to look inward and grow with another person. You are not responsible for other people’s inability to do the same. Fuck the logic spewed to women that says “sit back and do nothing while a guy makes up his mind whether he’s interested or not”. Nah…you decide how people are going to treat you. ALWAYS trust yourself. You knew something was off, but next time do your part with communicating so you don’t feel like your entire relationship was based on assumptions.
This was a beautiful reminder you are human, flawed, sensitive, scared…but you get up every single day and TRY. Every day you work towards a life lived kindly, freely, honestly, fearlessly. That’s something! Now…move forward, crank up The Bodyguard soundtrack, and dance like one of those rap guy’s girlfriends. Frank Farmers are out there waiting for you. Whitney knows what’s up!
I hope your dating life is going MUCH better, friends! Here’s to supporting myself this week by enjoying the goddamn holidays alone, baking lotsa cookies, and being grateful for every single moment of my stupid lil’ life.
*names have been changed for privacy, obvs.