I HAVE NOT DISAPPEARED. OK, I DID, BUT I AM BACK. My last post was May 21st, 2018. I had finally came down from an adrenaline high of my first sparring event late April. I had trained and showed up and did the thing I said I would do. It took a minute to process what that meant for this chapter of my life. I had put so much energy into that one thing that I had no idea what to do next with my time.
But then, I started dating someone new. Someone a lot better than the asshat who stood me up but one that I continued to pine over. The pining ended once I finished this book on adult attachment theory and realized, IT ME. The anxious dater who thinks in extremes. Extremes like getting revenge. Oooops. The anxious dater who had only been dating people that made me feel even more anxious. But now, I was dating the opposite. Someone secure and loving and comfortable with closeness. Thank the lort, because I was this close to pleading insanity. Here’s a small part of the book. I am obsessed with this book and will talk to anyone who cares about it. I cannot recommend it enough if you are an anxious person.
…that was four months ago. That dude is my real life tell-everyone-I-know boyfriend now and I couldn’t be happier. But, this entire blog was hinging on my SINGLE lady adventures of dating and self-care. Things change when you’re no longer single. I have been single most of my life. I have definitely been single all my ADULT life. So, yeah, I didn’t think about goals this Summer. I didn’t write a lick and I rarely checked in with myself. My daily five year journal is filled with, “I DUNNO FOOD BEER CHILLIN???”, and “PROBABLY HUNG OUT WITH BOYFRIEND”. What can I say? I’m obsessed with my boyfriend and I don’t even care.
But, in a way, not writing all Summer meant I had lost myself, my direction, my inner compass. Writing has and always will be the one thing that keeps me true to myself. The one thing that allows me to check in and see how I am doing. By not writing, I’m avoiding something. I know that avoidance will send me to the hole. It will numb my spirit, and I will find myself right back where I started. But then I realized, this isn’t anyone’s fault. In fact, this might be exactly what’s meant to happen.
“Our need for someone to share our lives with is part of our genetic makeup and has nothing to do with how much we love ourselves or how fulfilled we feel on our own. Once we choose someone special, powerful and often uncontrollable forces come into play. New patterns of behavior kick in regardless of how independent we are and despite our conscious wills. Once we choose a partner, there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does. An elegant coexistence that does not include uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and fear of loss sounds good but is not our biology. What proved through evolution to have a strong survival advantage is a human couple becoming one physiological unit, which means that if she’s reacting, then I’m reacting, or if he’s upset, that also makes me unsettled. He or she is part of me, and I will do anything to save him or her; having such a vested interest in the well-being of another person translates into a very important survival advantage for both parties.
Does this mean that in order to be happy in a relationship we need to be joined with our partner at the hip or give up other aspects of our life such as our friends or hobbies? Paradoxically, the opposite is true! It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on – this is the “dependency paradox”. The logic of this paradox is hard to follow at first. How can we act more independent by being thoroughly dependent on someone else? If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person.”
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment
So now, I enter a new life phase of, “the difficult balance of intimacy and independence”. One where I figure out how much solitude I actually need. A quick check in from Spring and I realize I am inspired by the idea of slowing down again. Of finding a new respect for solitude as a person whose solitude is no longer a given. It’s easy to practice solitude when you don’t have someone you want to spend every waking moment with. It’s hard when you now find yourself forcing alone time for the sake of your sanity and relationship. And then you spend your alone time anxious that every moment away from your new love is a moment wasted. Once you’re in deep, it’s hard to step away without feeling like space is a negative. But then I remember…SPACE IS FOR ASTRONAUTS.
Thanks for being here friends. For noticing when I’ve disappeared. For your support and love and inspiration. You mean the world!