I SURVIVED MY FIRST ADULT BREAKUP! I did whatever I needed to do to support myself and get through that shit show. Which means feeling all the feelings. Breakups fucking suck, period. You’re grieving the loss of a whole person that is no longer in your life in a very specific way. No sense in pretending like it’s not a BFD, y’all.
Are you going through a breakup? Here’s what helped me! Also, never listen to me because I learn everything the hard way!
First, CRY. It’s healthy! And good for your skin…? What better time to watch unrealistic rom-coms and ugly cry about your new single life? I found inner peace hysterically cry-laughing at one of my favorite movies, Silver Linings Playbook, and yelling, “YEAH YA JERK, YOU ARE NOT A STAND UP GUY!!!”.
Let people support you! Invite your friends over to make food! Then, make them cook while you sit on the floor sobbing and repeat the same story for the hundredth time!!! Eat absolutely NONE of the food they cooked because you’re depressed AF!
Keep talking as much as you want to about your breakup to anyone who will listen. PRO TIP: Ask if they have the mental capacity to listen to you before you treat your friends and family like therapists! You are so being so extra during this breakup and you knowww it!
Are you angry? Be nice enough so that you can get your shit back before you unleash the kraken. There is never a need for a favorite sweater casualty!
Impulsive Amazon purchases are totally fine for the next 48 hours! You NEED that fancy personal smoothie blender for this new chapter of your life gurl!!!
Consider the “NO CONTACT” breakup rule. Try to follow this rule. Download a countdown app to track thirty days of no contact. Keep resetting the clock because you HAVE to send that shitty email. Make it to day twelve until something stupid happens. Break the chain because you reallllly need to send that “Bye, Felicia” gif. THAT WILL SHOW THEM.
Some breakups are amicable. Some are…not. Do you need revenge? OK! Get revenge if you need it, but, have some dignity! Only do things you’re willing to tell your therapist or the authorities about! If you go this route, you MUST be willing to field messages from acquaintances who saw that fake tinder profile you posted of your ex! And don’t actually slash their tires, fools! Just tell them you did for effect and to laugh at the thought of them running outside to check! It will make them so mad they will call you, “a damn fruitcake!“.
Get rid of everything sentimental, or things that remind you of them. I gave my friend a box that included a magnet, slippers, sushi rice, and one polaroid photo. This made me laugh because I realized I had NOTHING sentimental to get rid of. I am the most sentimental person ever so why did I even date this person ???
OK, you can think about cutting your hair, BUT DO NOT CUT YOUR OWN HAIR. This is one thing I have finally learned my lesson on. Every DIY haircut has always left me looking like Lloyd Fucking Christmas.
If you need change, try throwing away all your old underwear and going to Victoria’s Secret for the first time since high school! Walk through the mall being absolutely mortified at what you are doing!
Take some time for yourself to rediscover who you are without this person. Get the hell outta dodge if you can! Cry on the phone to your mom until she buys you a ticket to Florida. That always works for me!
…and finally, when you are ready, whatever the fuck that means, start dating again! Revamp your old online dating profile and immediately start crying because you remember how awful it was. Try anyways!
Whew, I am beyond grateful to be on the other side of that breakup. I always say this, but life is weird. I’ve only met the sweetest dudes from online dating since then, and one of them is actually my boyfriend! How did that happen? I guess I just had to wait for that “nice Jewish boy” everyone talks about.
If you’re going through a breakup, you’re gonna get through this. Give yourself time. Sometimes things don’t work out and that’s OK. Soon it will all be a distant memory. As the wise philosopher Gotye once said…”Now you’re just somebody that I used to know“.