heartbreak, vol 19

There are no GIFS in this post. I just needed to write words. I hope you forgive me…

What I often forget is that a lot of us are tragic, complicated, messy human beings. It’s a miracle if we can keep it all together. I have never been someone who pretends that I can.

I know that I will not find the answers to life in a book or under the covers or googling HELP ME on my phone. Sometimes I convince myself I can. Sometimes that seems easier than putting yourself out there and living. Living hurts. Like a motherfucker. But then I remind myself that I can make the choice to feel everything…or feel nothing at all. I choose everything.

My last post about my summer of love reminded me how I was struggling to understand myself in a relationship. I was in a new world. One where I realized I had learned how to manage my demons as a single person…but now I had this other person in my life.

Where am I now? Heartbroken yet hopeful. Hopeful for what? I’m not sure. But these words meant a lot to me…

“Heartbreak is unpreventable; the natural outcome of caring for people and things over which we have no control…

Heartbreak begins the moment we are asked to let go but cannot, in other words, it colors and inhabits and magnifies each and every day; heartbreak is not a visitation, but a path that human beings follow through even the most average life.

Heartbreak is an indication of our sincerity: in a love relationship, in a life’s work, in trying to learn a musical instrument, in the attempt to shape a better more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is an essence and emblem of care…

Heartbreak has its own way of inhabiting time and its own beautiful and trying patience in coming and going.

Heartbreak is how we mature; yet we use the word heartbreak as if it only occurs when things have gone wrong: an unrequited love, a shattered dream…but heartbreak may be the very essence of being human, of being on the journey from here to there, and of coming to care deeply for what we find along the way.

There is almost no path a human being can follow that does not lead to heartbreak.”

David Whyte on the True Meaning of Friendship, Love, and Heartbreak

In times where everything feels like shit, one of the only things that makes me feel better is to know where I’m going. What I’m working towards, how I am growing as a person, what I have to get excited about.

…and friends, this IS a time where everything does feel like shit. If you’re reading this, please reach out and say hello. I could use some support and stupid yet witty, relevant GIFS about being a sad, struggling twenty something WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS DOING.

I said I would never give up on love and dating. I was finally in my first adult relationship after almost a year of failed online dating. I fell in love. I made mistakes. I listened to my feelings. I tried to ask for what I needed.I also became self-aware about behaviors I never considered. It is true that you can only know certain things about yourself by being in a relationship. That is something to always be grateful for, no matter how things turn out.

My relationship has taught me a lot. I’ve taken the first steps in starting therapy for my anxiety and general WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING feeling I carry around with me most days. Wish me luck.

Thank you for being here. Writing gives me a sense of community. I feel loved, seen, understood, and appreciated. That means everything to me.

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dating is rough, vol 15

I know that right now, I am living my best life. On the other, I also know I am living my hardest life. They go hand in hand though, right? Once you start becoming your *WARNING: BUZZWORD*…authentic self, you feel more. You experience more. This is the hardest but most gratifying way to live. With that being said…DATING IS ROUGH! Woof! I don’t know if I’m cut out for these experiences! I thought my authentic self would attract less busters! So, here’s some “gratifying” life lessons I’ve learned from dating so far…

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…Two words. ATTACHMENT THEORY. I am 1000% an anxious person exclusively dating avoidants. These relationships makes me go bat shit crazy and I am hyper-sensitive to everything they do and say. Canceling my dating apps until I finish this book, k?

…The four-six week relationship is the new one night stand. COOL. That explains why I can’t get past one menstrual cycle with someone. These are not relationships, they are “fun”. Either that, or again, I am dating the wrong people.

…My grandma says one day my prince will come. To which I reply…yeah, he’s gonna come. AND THEN ROLL OVER AND LEAVE RIGHT AFTER.

…I tried out the bootycall relationship. It lasted 48 hours and all I got from it was a UTI.

…If you’re with a partner that is not excited about getting you off from casual sex, there is no point in casual sex. Casual sex leaves me dead inside. I’ll keep having great sex with myself and leave you out of it. Thanks.

…Saying, “we can be friends”, after you stop sleeping with someone is the equivalent of seeing an old friend from high school at Whole Foods and saying OMG let’s meet up for coffee soon. GREAT IDEA BUT NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

…99% of people will not be upfront about what they’re looking for. Probably because no one knows. It looks like that’s up to you unless you’re cool with having a permanent broken heart.

…The minute you have feelings for someone, an angel loses its wings.

…Bootycall? FWB? FB? Forever confused and would rather let tarantulas crawl over my face than figure out what the hell you want from me. Or what the hell I want from me. *AUDIBLE SIGH*

…Life is not a fairy tale, romance is dead, and grand gestures do not exist. I mean…they do, you’re just dealing with people who don’t actually like you.

…I am obsessed with my life, goals, and hobbies. I want to share my life with someone and learn about their life, goals, and hobbies. Netflix and chill with zero conversation is not going to get you there. Why waste your time?

…People will tell you you’re “brave” for putting yourself out there. That’s what you have to do to date these days: be brave.

…I am so much stronger than I ever realized.

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We’re here and we’re doing this. A reminder to myself and you to try and find the humor in things, share your stories, tell people you love them, and LIVE. YA. LIFE. And yes, I know I’m a little heavy on the Will Ferrell gifs. Sorry not sorry.

xo

baking, vol 9

“A party without cake is just a meeting.” – Julia Child

Hello, my name is Brittany and I am addicted to sugar. Left to my own devices I would have a diet resembling Buddy the Elf. Sometimes I let myself and don’t feel bad about it. Today for breakfast I went dutch. Not the kind of dutch where you’re on a crappy date and then they top it off by asking you, “Can we go dutch?”. Yeah, sure, feminism, whatever. But the delicious kind of dutch with Anijsmelk Lattes and homemade Stroopwafels. For lunch I baked up a batch of Dark Chocolate, Pistachio, & Smoked Sea Salt Cookies and made love to my mixer bowl. By this time I had a major sugar headache and forced myself to eat vegetables for dinner. Making my life an equal balance of green things and baked goods has been…challenging.

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I do not shy away from talking about suffering from eating disorders. In my previous life, AKA the last five years, I ate food without ever enjoying it. I was great at eating food to numb my feelings. As I began getting my eating issues under control, I found myself saying NO MORE SUGAR EVER AGAIN. But this went against everything I loved and believed that was holy! You are talking to someone whose idea of a fun Friday night is spending an entire paycheck in a bakery. I wanted to be like Julia Child! I wanted to enjoy all things butter and sugar without wanting to kill myself. Most important, I didn’t want to ever have hard rules and restrictions around food again. To do so played straight into the hands of the diet industry. Yuck.

I have always loved to bake. I have only loved one baker. The blogger turned cookbook author, Joy the Baker. I remember the day her first cookbook came out in 2012. I went to Barnes & Noble as soon as they opened and demanded a copy. They didn’t even have them on the shelf yet and had no idea what I was talking about. I assured them that today was the release date and someone found me a copy. I was going to make every single recipe from that book.

Yeah…the only thing I did was stuff it on a shelf and let it gather dust. I made a few recipes here and there but it was never a true hobby. Five years later, I was leaving Indiana to move to Portland. Packing up my belongings, I once again held the book in my hands all Marie Kondo like. Am I going to carry this book around with me the rest of my life just to stare at it? That’s like being the person obsessed with cooking shows that doesn’t cook (me, then).

For whatever reason, I decided 2017 was my year of baking. Once a week, I would bake something from that damn cookbook no matter what. Guess what!? This week is my one year anniversary of weekly baking adventures. I’ve made cookies, cakes, breads, pies, tarts, brownies, bars, scones, muffins, cheesecakes, biscuits. I put love and energy and good ingredients into every recipe and enjoyed them with no guilt. My favorite part? Sharing them with others! Do you know how hard it used to be for me to have sweets within a hundred mile vicinity of my mouth? Now, I can bake up dozens of cookies, eat one, and share the rest. WHO AM I!?!?

 

(That’s me looking cute AF eating pudding.) Apparently, it also turns out that baking is excellent for your mental health. Yeah, “Baking Therapy” is a real thing. Check this shit out:

“Psychologists Explain the Benefits of Baking for Other People” – Huffington Post

“Does Baking Help Mental Health?” – Bustle

It makes sense! Watching someone enjoy something I made is the ultimate joy. Someone told me that I am the best baker they know and my heart almost burst. It’s a nice feeling to know I can contribute to a community by coaxing something beautiful out of my kitchen. I can also take fate into my own hands. Never again will I have to worry about going to a party and there be no dessert. I am now the dessert bringer which GUARANTEES cake wherever I go.

So…eat the damn cake! Seduce people with sugar! It works. Life is way too short to avoid the bakery aisle. I’ll be over here planning my future sprinkle pool…dreaming of all the sweet, sticky things I’m gonna lick off my fingers (heh). Now…if only I can become one of Joy’s recipe testers. #lifegoals

Love to you!!!
xo