how to survive a breakup clickbait, vol 23

I SURVIVED MY FIRST ADULT BREAKUP! I did whatever I needed to do to support myself and get through that shit show. Which means feeling all the feelings. Breakups fucking suck, period. You’re grieving the loss of a whole person that is no longer in your life in a very specific way. No sense in pretending like it’s not a BFD, y’all.

Are you going through a breakup? Here’s what helped me! Also, never listen to me because I learn everything the hard way!

First, CRY. It’s healthy! And good for your skin…? What better time to watch unrealistic rom-coms and ugly cry about your new single life? I found inner peace hysterically cry-laughing at one of my favorite movies, Silver Linings Playbook, and yelling, “YEAH YA JERK, YOU ARE NOT A STAND UP GUY!!!”.

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Let people support you! Invite your friends over to make food! Then, make them cook while you sit on the floor sobbing and repeat the same story for the hundredth time!!! Eat absolutely NONE of the food they cooked because you’re depressed AF!

Keep talking as much as you want to about your breakup to anyone who will listen. PRO TIP: Ask if they have the mental capacity to listen to you before you treat your friends and family like therapists! You are so being so extra during this breakup and you knowww it!

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Are you angry? Be nice enough so that you can get your shit back before you unleash the kraken. There is never a need for a favorite sweater casualty!

Impulsive Amazon purchases are totally fine for the next 48 hours! You NEED that fancy personal smoothie blender for this new chapter of your life gurl!!!

Consider the “NO CONTACT” breakup rule. Try to follow this rule. Download a countdown app to track thirty days of no contact. Keep resetting the clock because you HAVE to send that shitty email. Make it to day twelve until something stupid happens. Break the chain because you reallllly need to send that “Bye, Felicia” gif. THAT WILL SHOW THEM.

Some breakups are amicable. Some are…not. Do you need revenge? OK! Get revenge if you need it, but, have some dignity! Only do things you’re willing to tell your therapist or the authorities about! If you go this route, you MUST be willing to field messages from acquaintances who saw that fake tinder profile you posted of your ex! And don’t actually slash their tires, fools! Just tell them you did for effect and to laugh at the thought of them running outside to check! It will make them so mad they will call you, “a damn fruitcake!“.

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Get rid of everything sentimental, or things that remind you of them. I gave my friend a box that included a magnet, slippers, sushi rice, and one polaroid photo. This made me laugh because I realized I had NOTHING sentimental to get rid of. I am the most sentimental person ever so why did I even date this person ???

OK, you can think about cutting your hair, BUT DO NOT CUT YOUR OWN HAIR. This is one thing I have finally learned my lesson on. Every DIY haircut has always left me looking like Lloyd Fucking Christmas.

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If you need change, try throwing away all your old underwear and going to Victoria’s Secret for the first time since high school! Walk through the mall being absolutely mortified at what you are doing!

Take some time for yourself to rediscover who you are without this person. Get the hell outta dodge if you can! Cry on the phone to your mom until she buys you a ticket to Florida. That always works for me!

…and finally, when you are ready, whatever the fuck that means, start dating again! Revamp your old online dating profile and immediately start crying because you remember how awful it was. Try anyways!

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Whew, I am beyond grateful to be on the other side of that breakup. I always say this, but life is weird. I’ve only met the sweetest dudes from online dating since then, and one of them is actually my boyfriend! How did that happen? I guess I just had to wait for that “nice Jewish boy” everyone talks about.

If you’re going through a breakup, you’re gonna get through this. Give yourself time. Sometimes things don’t work out and that’s OK. Soon it will all be a distant memory. As the wise philosopher Gotye once said…”Now you’re just somebody that I used to know“.

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xo

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heartbreak, vol 19

There are no GIFS in this post. I just needed to write words. I hope you forgive me…

What I often forget is that a lot of us are tragic, complicated, messy human beings. It’s a miracle if we can keep it all together. I have never been someone who pretends that I can.

I know that I will not find the answers to life in a book or under the covers or googling HELP ME on my phone. Sometimes I convince myself I can. Sometimes that seems easier than putting yourself out there and living. Living hurts. Like a motherfucker. But then I remind myself that I can make the choice to feel everything…or feel nothing at all. I choose everything.

My last post about my summer of love reminded me how I was struggling to understand myself in a relationship. I was in a new world. One where I realized I had learned how to manage my demons as a single person…but now I had this other person in my life.

Where am I now? Heartbroken yet hopeful. Hopeful for what? I’m not sure. But these words meant a lot to me…

“Heartbreak is unpreventable; the natural outcome of caring for people and things over which we have no control…

Heartbreak begins the moment we are asked to let go but cannot, in other words, it colors and inhabits and magnifies each and every day; heartbreak is not a visitation, but a path that human beings follow through even the most average life.

Heartbreak is an indication of our sincerity: in a love relationship, in a life’s work, in trying to learn a musical instrument, in the attempt to shape a better more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is an essence and emblem of care…

Heartbreak has its own way of inhabiting time and its own beautiful and trying patience in coming and going.

Heartbreak is how we mature; yet we use the word heartbreak as if it only occurs when things have gone wrong: an unrequited love, a shattered dream…but heartbreak may be the very essence of being human, of being on the journey from here to there, and of coming to care deeply for what we find along the way.

There is almost no path a human being can follow that does not lead to heartbreak.”

David Whyte on the True Meaning of Friendship, Love, and Heartbreak

In times where everything feels like shit, one of the only things that makes me feel better is to know where I’m going. What I’m working towards, how I am growing as a person, what I have to get excited about.

…and friends, this IS a time where everything does feel like shit. If you’re reading this, please reach out and say hello. I could use some support and stupid yet witty, relevant GIFS about being a sad, struggling twenty something WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS DOING.

I said I would never give up on love and dating. I was finally in my first adult relationship after almost a year of failed online dating. I fell in love. I made mistakes. I listened to my feelings. I tried to ask for what I needed.I also became self-aware about behaviors I never considered. It is true that you can only know certain things about yourself by being in a relationship. That is something to always be grateful for, no matter how things turn out.

My relationship has taught me a lot. I’ve taken the first steps in starting therapy for my anxiety and general WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING feeling I carry around with me most days. Wish me luck.

Thank you for being here. Writing gives me a sense of community. I feel loved, seen, understood, and appreciated. That means everything to me.

summer of love, vol 17

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I HAVE NOT DISAPPEARED. OK, I DID, BUT I AM BACK. My last post was May 21st, 2018. I had finally came down from an adrenaline high of my first sparring event late April. I had trained and showed up and did the thing I said I would do. It took a minute to process what that meant for this chapter of my life. I had put so much energy into that one thing that I had no idea what to do next with my time.

But then, I started dating someone new. Someone a lot better than the asshat who stood me up but one that I continued to pine over. The pining ended once I finished this book on adult attachment theory and realized, IT ME. The anxious dater who thinks in extremes. Extremes like getting revenge. Oooops. The anxious dater who had only been dating people that made me feel even more anxious. But now, I was dating the opposite. Someone secure and loving and comfortable with closeness. Thank the lort, because I was this close to pleading insanity. Here’s a small part of the book. I am obsessed with this book and will talk to anyone who cares about it. I cannot recommend it enough if you are an anxious person.

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…that was four months ago. That dude is my real life tell-everyone-I-know boyfriend now and I couldn’t be happier. But, this entire blog was hinging on my SINGLE lady adventures of dating and self-care. Things change when you’re no longer single. I have been single most of my life. I have definitely been single all my ADULT life. So, yeah, I didn’t think about goals this Summer. I didn’t write a lick and I rarely checked in with myself. My daily five year journal is filled with, “I DUNNO FOOD BEER CHILLIN???”, and “PROBABLY HUNG OUT WITH BOYFRIEND”. What can I say? I’m obsessed with my boyfriend and I don’t even care.

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But, in a way, not writing all Summer meant I had lost myself, my direction, my inner compass. Writing has and always will be the one thing that keeps me true to myself. The one thing that allows me to check in and see how I am doing. By not writing, I’m avoiding something. I know that avoidance will send me to the hole. It will numb my spirit, and I will find myself right back where I started. But then I realized, this isn’t anyone’s fault. In fact, this might be exactly what’s meant to happen.

“Our need for someone to share our lives with is part of our genetic makeup and has nothing to do with how much we love ourselves or how fulfilled we feel on our own. Once we choose someone special, powerful and often uncontrollable forces come into play. New patterns of behavior kick in regardless of how independent we are and despite our conscious wills. Once we choose a partner, there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does. An elegant coexistence that does not include uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and fear of loss sounds good but is not our biology. What proved through evolution to have a strong survival advantage is a human couple becoming one physiological unit, which means that if she’s reacting, then I’m reacting, or if he’s upset, that also makes me unsettled. He or she is part of me, and I will do anything to save him or her; having such a vested interest in the well-being of another person translates into a very important survival advantage for both parties.

Does this mean that in order to be happy in a relationship we need to be joined with our partner at the hip or give up other aspects of our life such as our friends or hobbies? Paradoxically, the opposite is true! It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on – this is the “dependency paradox”. The logic of this paradox is hard to follow at first. How can we act more independent by being thoroughly dependent on someone else? If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person.”

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment

So now, I enter a new life phase of, “the difficult balance of intimacy and independence”. One where I figure out how much solitude I actually need. A quick check in from Spring and I realize I am inspired by the idea of slowing down again. Of finding a new respect for solitude as a person whose solitude is no longer a given. It’s easy to practice solitude when you don’t have someone you want to spend every waking moment with. It’s hard when you now find yourself forcing alone time for the sake of your sanity and relationship. And then you spend your alone time anxious that every moment away from your new love is a moment wasted. Once you’re in deep, it’s hard to step away without feeling like space is a negative. But then I remember…SPACE IS FOR ASTRONAUTS.

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Thanks for being here friends. For noticing when I’ve disappeared. For your support and love and inspiration. You mean the world!

dating is rough, vol 15

I know that right now, I am living my best life. On the other, I also know I am living my hardest life. They go hand in hand though, right? Once you start becoming your *WARNING: BUZZWORD*…authentic self, you feel more. You experience more. This is the hardest but most gratifying way to live. With that being said…DATING IS ROUGH! Woof! I don’t know if I’m cut out for these experiences! I thought my authentic self would attract less busters! So, here’s some “gratifying” life lessons I’ve learned from dating so far…

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…Two words. ATTACHMENT THEORY. I am 1000% an anxious person exclusively dating avoidants. These relationships makes me go bat shit crazy and I am hyper-sensitive to everything they do and say. Canceling my dating apps until I finish this book, k?

…The four-six week relationship is the new one night stand. COOL. That explains why I can’t get past one menstrual cycle with someone. These are not relationships, they are “fun”. Either that, or again, I am dating the wrong people.

…My grandma says one day my prince will come. To which I reply…yeah, he’s gonna come. AND THEN ROLL OVER AND LEAVE RIGHT AFTER.

…I tried out the bootycall relationship. It lasted 48 hours and all I got from it was a UTI.

…If you’re with a partner that is not excited about getting you off from casual sex, there is no point in casual sex. Casual sex leaves me dead inside. I’ll keep having great sex with myself and leave you out of it. Thanks.

…Saying, “we can be friends”, after you stop sleeping with someone is the equivalent of seeing an old friend from high school at Whole Foods and saying OMG let’s meet up for coffee soon. GREAT IDEA BUT NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

…99% of people will not be upfront about what they’re looking for. Probably because no one knows. It looks like that’s up to you unless you’re cool with having a permanent broken heart.

…The minute you have feelings for someone, an angel loses its wings.

…Bootycall? FWB? FB? Forever confused and would rather let tarantulas crawl over my face than figure out what the hell you want from me. Or what the hell I want from me. *AUDIBLE SIGH*

…Life is not a fairy tale, romance is dead, and grand gestures do not exist. I mean…they do, you’re just dealing with people who don’t actually like you.

…I am obsessed with my life, goals, and hobbies. I want to share my life with someone and learn about their life, goals, and hobbies. Netflix and chill with zero conversation is not going to get you there. Why waste your time?

…People will tell you you’re “brave” for putting yourself out there. That’s what you have to do to date these days: be brave.

…I am so much stronger than I ever realized.

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We’re here and we’re doing this. A reminder to myself and you to try and find the humor in things, share your stories, tell people you love them, and LIVE. YA. LIFE. And yes, I know I’m a little heavy on the Will Ferrell gifs. Sorry not sorry.

xo

the great stand up, vol 14

dating

Congratulations to me! I have hit the dating milestone I was most looking forward to: being stood up. And yes, it’s as terrible as they say it is.

I write this 112 minutes after I showed up for a date with a person I had seen four times prior. In online dating world, four is a magical fucking number. Also, this was DINNER. I had high hopes.

…92 minutes after I realized this person I liked was actually going to let me sit alone at a restaurant. That I was actually being stood up. This was happening.

…89 minutes after the waiter asked for my table. It was first come first serve and I hadn’t ordered anything. I almost bit his head off, but instead I nodded and left.

…84 minutes after walking in the rain back to a bus stop to go home. But, then the various stages of being stood up settled in: denial, anger, intense sadness. So, I grabbed a Lyft instead because hell no I am not being that person that loses their shit on a bus. I will choose to lose my shit in a car with one stranger like an ADULT.

…73 minutes after I got home and replayed everything in my head. It makes sense, Britt, there was a lot of bullshit. Then, he legit told you a few hours prior to standing you up that he’s torn between you and a pool table and tried to cancel your dinner plans. That he made. LAST TIME I CHECKED A POOL TABLE DOESN’T HAVE SEX WITH YOU. PRIORITIES!?! 

…and 68 minutes after a total emotional breakdown and rollercoaster ride of ALL. THE. FEELINGS. Because no matter how much you love yourself, it still fucking hurts. Relationships hurt. A lot. Perks of being a self-diagnosed highly sensitive person.

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I can still feel the sadness re-reading my last post about my not great dating experience. That was a hard time. This dating experience brings a different kind of sadness. What I learned from my last experience was that I assumed everything. What our relationship was, how they felt, what their actions meant. This time, I practiced vulnerability, said what I felt, and asked the questions I wanted to ask. So, why was I still upset?

…uh, DUH. It’s because having to deal with the emotions that come with ending something you know is bad for you is hard. You have to ask yourself if you’re strong enough to walk away from something that hurts you. You have to demand respect from others through your actions. Doing so involves confrontation and standing up for yourself.

Ya know what, though? We’re supposed to be uncomfortable. We’re meant to have tough conversations and learn from them. That is how we GROW. We can handle people’s standards and expectations for us to be good people. Being a good person means you take responsibility for your shitty actions.

I do not believe in taking the high road when people disrespect you. Check your bullshit at the door. The truth fucking hurts. Some people deserve a good ol’ fashioned, “fuck off”. Some people need for others to put them in their place. I fully expect and hope for people to put me in mine.

Buuuut, being a good person also means being able to be the BIGGER person. Forgive, learn how to communicate better, take responsibility for your own actions if you’re too harsh, and move forward. It’s gonna take me a minute – but eventually I hope dude who stood me up and I can be friends. We’re all just doing the best we can, right?

So friends, just a friendly reminder you’re not alone in this world. Even if you do crawl into your bed alone each night. Everything’s gonna be OK. I promise. If you have any self-doubt…ask yourself, “What would Frances do?”. Answer: TAKE NO SHIT AND SWALLOW MEN WHOLE, USING THEIR BONES AS UTENSILS (but also communicate before that happens).

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three months of online dating, vol 7

Molly: “You gotta fuck a lot of frogs to get a good frog.”

Issa: “That’s not the saying. Or any saying.”

Insecure, HBO

September 5th, 2017

Today is your 25th birthday. Look at you, Brittany! You’ve accomplished everything you set out to do this year. You changed careers, moved to a new city, and are so excited about life. You know what would make life even better? A partner to share it with! Yes, I know you don’t NEED a partner…but for the first time in your life you WANT one! Shit…this means I have to start dating. I’ve never dated. Where do I start? Hmm…online dating? I dunno…is that how you want to meet someone? I guess you can hope to meet someone organically in a coffee shop or library or something. What? YES, I know this is 2017…ugh, so that means I can’t still be a hopeless romantic? OK, let’s go out, have a few beers, and think about it. Alright…Bumble. The “feminist” one! Sweet. Oh right, I have to put pictures on this thing. I hate pictures. OK…about me. I hate writing about me. I don’t want to do this anymore. Er…OK, has to be something witty and with a little spunk so they think I’m super cool and interesting, but also PERFECT. Alright…swiping…swiping. Wait, what am I even looking for on this app? A husband? Someone to waste time with? A fuck buddy? Breathe. Don’t take it too seriously! You’re in it for the learning experiences. Yeah, I want love but can also be a casual relationship kinda person. I can totally suppress any feelings I have in the name of “fun”. No big deal. I’m just gonna put myself out there and see what happens. Do something that scares you everyday, right? OMG. I kinda skipped the whole college casual sex with hot dudes phase…that’s the real point of these apps, right? I can be that girl! HAHA, no. Maybe? I’ll sleep on it. I mean, it’s been how long? Don’t answer that. I DESERVE LOVE AND INTIMACY TOO. Oooooh, he’s cute. We matched! This is so fun!

December 16th, 2017

NOPE. DONE. WHAT THE SHIT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU? So much for being the cool girl that goes with the flow. You’re a crazy bitch…but I kinda love you for it. No, forreal though, who are you? Did you really run away from *Brad last night after pretending to make a phone call? Like, physically sprint blocks and blocks because you panicked? He called the cops because he thought you were abducted!

“Um…oh, hi policeman. No, I’m alive and well. I just realized I didn’t want to actually sleep with that guy and didn’t know what else to do. Have you read that article where it says women sleep with men to be polite? THAT WAS GONNA BE ME. Do you want that for me? …hello? HELLO?”.

Wow…maybe you are an asshole. It’s been a few months of dating and you’ve already gone off the deep end. Yes…I know you are still hung up about *Chad who played you like he (POORLY) does his stupid fiddle. I don’t care if that’s immature. You only dated Chad for six weeks! Why are you so upset? It’s OK, I understand. I mean, holy shit…you ACTUALLY liked someone for the first time in your adult life. It sucks to catch glimmers of what life might look like sharing it with another person and then having it CRASH. Also, sexxx is real nice. You’re only human; and you did the right thing! You love yourself too much and have come too far to waste your time with fools.

This was the guy who went from taking you on amazing dates (even a 24 hour road trip one WTF) and wanting to see you at least once a week if not more and doing very non-casual couple-y things to Mr. Sorry I’m Unavailable All 72 Hours of the Weekend Now but How is Your Day & Oh Can’t See You Much Because the “Holidays” guy. The guy who for the first time in history actually wanted to watch a movie…AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM IN HIS FUCKING CHAIR. The guy who was too tired to come over when you gave your super sexy “hey, so, my vibrator ran out of batteries if you wanna come over instead…” line.

The inconsistency and ambivalence was blinding. But rather than ending it, he was gonna string you along until he found something better. Which is why YOU put the brakes on the relationship. But then you felt bad because what if you made a mistake and he was busy!? But then you said NO NO NO you will not tolerate that busy line bullshit.

And thank god you didn’t go along with it because this turned out to be the same guy who went out of his way to swipe up another Bumble-bee and meet her at a bar…A BLOCK FROM YOUR HOUSE that following weekend. So he doesn’t have time to continue to get to know this bomb ass chick (you, duh) he’s been poking on the reg but he has time to BE ON THIS DAMN APP AND START BRAND NEW RELATIONSHIPS??? GFY, dude!

How do you know this? Doesn’t matter. Like Beyoncé says…what’s worse? Looking jealous or crazy? In this story, you’d rather be crazy. But crazy is exhausting and NOT you, so that side of you is canceled. Should you feel bad? Maybe, but HELL NO. How long has he lived his life treating people that way? Probs forever, but he messed with the wrong person’s heart this time. He did NOT know what kind of midwestern self-deprecating white trash he was fooling with. Also, Danna told her therapist and she said it was a hilarious story which obviously makes it not insane if the therapist is on your side.

Why do people do this rather than be honest? It’s not the dating other people that hurts the most but the lying about being busy! The excuses and mind games! Chalk it up to his low self-esteem and emotional unavailability. Emotional honesty is hard but you are willing to look inward and grow with another person. You are not responsible for other people’s inability to do the same. Fuck the logic spewed to women that says “sit back and do nothing while a guy makes up his mind whether he’s interested or not”. Nah…you decide how people are going to treat you. ALWAYS trust yourself. You knew something was off, but next time do your part with communicating so you don’t feel like your entire relationship was based on assumptions.

This was a beautiful reminder you are human, flawed, sensitive, scared…but you get up every single day and TRY. Every day you work towards a life lived kindly, freely, honestly, fearlessly. That’s something! Now…move forward, crank up The Bodyguard soundtrack, and dance like one of those rap guy’s girlfriends. Frank Farmers are out there waiting for you. Whitney knows what’s up!

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I hope your dating life is going MUCH better, friends! Here’s to supporting myself this week by enjoying the goddamn holidays alone, baking lotsa cookies, and being grateful for every single moment of my stupid lil’ life.

*names have been changed for privacy, obvs.

say what you mean, vol 6

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” Audre Lorde

Two very important things have consumed my thoughts the last few weeks…

1) How concepts like self-care become trends which strips away the substance behind it. I hate trends, and I hate being ignorant to trends.

2) How dating is the hardest thing I’ve ever done because it requires two to tango. Unfortunately, I’ve gotten real good at being alone and independent. More unfortunately, I actually like the idea of sharing a life with someone. Most unfortunately, that requires communication, vulnerability, and risk. Oh shit…

So please bear with me as I attempt to combine the two.

I haven’t been supporting myself in the best ways. I’ve been doing things new to me that I thought I was ready for (ahem, dating). Isn’t it funny how you think you can “prepare” for something you have no control of? At least with dating, there are a million variables at play and you are at the mercy of another human. It doesn’t matter how many books or Google articles you read about the damn subject. If you enter any sort of relationship not ready to say what you mean and mean what you say…you’re fucked. Or you’re at least going to have a very hard time getting what you want.

Dating has sent my anxiety into overdrive. But it’s NOT the people I date who are responsible for my anxiety. The minute we blame others for our emotions we can no longer own our experiences. Can we all agree that we need to take personal responsibility for our feelings and reactions? Do we always want to be playing the blame game?

This is where self-care comes in. It’s clear that new experiences, like dating, trigger my anxiety. Anxiety is a major red flag that I am not paying attention to what I need. Since I am human, I do my damnedest to suppress my anxiety, which never works, and soon I have entered “the hole”. Then you’re doing everything BUT the things that contribute to your well-being. Things like writing weekly posts about supporting yourself. Sigh.

Self-care asks that I prioritize my wellness and my values. It’s not a fancy trend so we can sell more buddha bowls and increase the number of hot yoga studios in the world. Before writing anything else about self-care, I needed to understand it better, especially as a white girl.

Self-care is first, a radical and political statement. There are things to consider about race, gender, and class. I am going to continue to practice self-care, but my antennas are up. In the meantime, these questions are a beautiful reminder of how we can navigate our feelings. From the activist and writer most associated with self-care, Audre Lorde, adapted from Lorde’s ‘The Cancer Journals’ by Divya Victor

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What are the words you do not have yet?

What do you need to say? List as many things as necessary.

What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence? List as many as necessary today. Then write a new list tomorrow. And the day after.

If we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?” Answer this today, and everyday.

I”ll be thinking about these questions this week with an open heart and mind. I’m also going to be thinking about how to avoid all the holiday treats that magically appear this time of year. But, I definitely WON’T be thinking about failed non-relationships (UGH) or dying alone. Nope, not at all!

P.S. Here are articles that focus on the history and political statements behind self-care…

Love and support to you!