heartbreak, vol 19

There are no GIFS in this post. I just needed to write words. I hope you forgive me…

What I often forget is that a lot of us are tragic, complicated, messy human beings. It’s a miracle if we can keep it all together. I have never been someone who pretends that I can.

I know that I will not find the answers to life in a book or under the covers or googling HELP ME on my phone. Sometimes I convince myself I can. Sometimes that seems easier than putting yourself out there and living. Living hurts. Like a motherfucker. But then I remind myself that I can make the choice to feel everything…or feel nothing at all. I choose everything.

My last post about my summer of love reminded me how I was struggling to understand myself in a relationship. I was in a new world. One where I realized I had learned how to manage my demons as a single person…but now I had this other person in my life.

Where am I now? Heartbroken yet hopeful. Hopeful for what? I’m not sure. But these words meant a lot to me…

“Heartbreak is unpreventable; the natural outcome of caring for people and things over which we have no control…

Heartbreak begins the moment we are asked to let go but cannot, in other words, it colors and inhabits and magnifies each and every day; heartbreak is not a visitation, but a path that human beings follow through even the most average life.

Heartbreak is an indication of our sincerity: in a love relationship, in a life’s work, in trying to learn a musical instrument, in the attempt to shape a better more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is an essence and emblem of care…

Heartbreak has its own way of inhabiting time and its own beautiful and trying patience in coming and going.

Heartbreak is how we mature; yet we use the word heartbreak as if it only occurs when things have gone wrong: an unrequited love, a shattered dream…but heartbreak may be the very essence of being human, of being on the journey from here to there, and of coming to care deeply for what we find along the way.

There is almost no path a human being can follow that does not lead to heartbreak.”

David Whyte on the True Meaning of Friendship, Love, and Heartbreak

In times where everything feels like shit, one of the only things that makes me feel better is to know where I’m going. What I’m working towards, how I am growing as a person, what I have to get excited about.

…and friends, this IS a time where everything does feel like shit. If you’re reading this, please reach out and say hello. I could use some support and stupid yet witty, relevant GIFS about being a sad, struggling twenty something WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS DOING.

I said I would never give up on love and dating. I was finally in my first adult relationship after almost a year of failed online dating. I fell in love. I made mistakes. I listened to my feelings. I tried to ask for what I needed.I also became self-aware about behaviors I never considered. It is true that you can only know certain things about yourself by being in a relationship. That is something to always be grateful for, no matter how things turn out.

My relationship has taught me a lot. I’ve taken the first steps in starting therapy for my anxiety and general WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING feeling I carry around with me most days. Wish me luck.

Thank you for being here. Writing gives me a sense of community. I feel loved, seen, understood, and appreciated. That means everything to me.

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dating is rough, vol 15

I know that right now, I am living my best life. On the other, I also know I am living my hardest life. They go hand in hand though, right? Once you start becoming your *WARNING: BUZZWORD*…authentic self, you feel more. You experience more. This is the hardest but most gratifying way to live. With that being said…DATING IS ROUGH! Woof! I don’t know if I’m cut out for these experiences! I thought my authentic self would attract less busters! So, here’s some “gratifying” life lessons I’ve learned from dating so far…

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…Two words. ATTACHMENT THEORY. I am 1000% an anxious person exclusively dating avoidants. These relationships makes me go bat shit crazy and I am hyper-sensitive to everything they do and say. Canceling my dating apps until I finish this book, k?

…The four-six week relationship is the new one night stand. COOL. That explains why I can’t get past one menstrual cycle with someone. These are not relationships, they are “fun”. Either that, or again, I am dating the wrong people.

…My grandma says one day my prince will come. To which I reply…yeah, he’s gonna come. AND THEN ROLL OVER AND LEAVE RIGHT AFTER.

…I tried out the bootycall relationship. It lasted 48 hours and all I got from it was a UTI.

…If you’re with a partner that is not excited about getting you off from casual sex, there is no point in casual sex. Casual sex leaves me dead inside. I’ll keep having great sex with myself and leave you out of it. Thanks.

…Saying, “we can be friends”, after you stop sleeping with someone is the equivalent of seeing an old friend from high school at Whole Foods and saying OMG let’s meet up for coffee soon. GREAT IDEA BUT NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

…99% of people will not be upfront about what they’re looking for. Probably because no one knows. It looks like that’s up to you unless you’re cool with having a permanent broken heart.

…The minute you have feelings for someone, an angel loses its wings.

…Bootycall? FWB? FB? Forever confused and would rather let tarantulas crawl over my face than figure out what the hell you want from me. Or what the hell I want from me. *AUDIBLE SIGH*

…Life is not a fairy tale, romance is dead, and grand gestures do not exist. I mean…they do, you’re just dealing with people who don’t actually like you.

…I am obsessed with my life, goals, and hobbies. I want to share my life with someone and learn about their life, goals, and hobbies. Netflix and chill with zero conversation is not going to get you there. Why waste your time?

…People will tell you you’re “brave” for putting yourself out there. That’s what you have to do to date these days: be brave.

…I am so much stronger than I ever realized.

stepbrothers

We’re here and we’re doing this. A reminder to myself and you to try and find the humor in things, share your stories, tell people you love them, and LIVE. YA. LIFE. And yes, I know I’m a little heavy on the Will Ferrell gifs. Sorry not sorry.

xo

happy new year, vol 8

For the first time ever, I did exactly what I wanted to do for NYE. I stayed inside, cooked myself a fancy ass dinner, and was asleep by 10 PM. FOMO is a jerk, but I didn’t let it get to me. I listened to my five year journal’s past entries that all say the same thing…

“Brittany, NOOO! How does this always happen? STOP doing anything this day. Do NOT go out. Stay inside. Go to bed early. I repeat, do NOT make plans.”

More than anything, I wanted to start January 1st off right. So I did. I woke up at 6 AM. Hit my to-do list. Baked some scones. Went for a walk. Reflected on my year, and here I am! I must be a year older and a year wiser if I’ve finally come to terms that this is me and that’s how I like it. Ain’t no shame in my sometimes I just need to be alone game.

FireShot Capture 2 - hiller (@hillergoodspeed) • Instagr_ - https___www.instagram.com_p_BdY7jrKFEAn_ - Edited

I’ve been coming back to this poem again and again…

To Be of Use
Marge Piercy

The people I love the best
jump into work head first
without dallying in the shallows
and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.
They seem to become natives of that element,
the black sleek heads of seals
bouncing like half-submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,
who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,
who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,
who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge
in the task, who go into the fields to harvest
and work in a row and pass the bags along,
who are not parlor generals and field deserters
but move in a common rhythm
when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.
Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.
But the thing worth doing well done
has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.
Greek amphoras for wine or oil,
Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums
but you know they were made to be used.
The pitcher cries for water to carry
and a person for work that is real.

Can we sit with these words for a minute? Poetry analysis is for fancy, educated people (AKA not me). But to me, this poem screams Shia LeBeouf level “JUST DO IT!!!”.

This past year, I was gentle with myself. I laid low. I had almost zero personal responsibilities and was careful about my mental load. I was fragile and in a healing phase. I learned what self-care looks like to me, and I put that into practice. Now, I’m ready to take all that wisdom and push myself to new levels. To throw myself (even further) out of my comfort zone. To surprise myself and see what I’m capable of.

I can’t wait to see what we do and create this year! So much love to you!