I finished reading a book called SLOW. Basically, it’s a book for crazy people who keep hearing the term “mindfulness” and are curious because mindfulness is something that people say makes you feel less…crazy. I know there is truth to this. Mindfulness, in its simplest form, is PAYING ATTENTION. I’ve done a lot of things under the mindfulness category that I attribute to living a healthier life. Things like…
- buying less bullshit
- taking regular social media and technology breaks
- practicing solitude
- being creative
- doing nature things
- putting away the damn phone around other people
…yet true mindfulness still seems out of grasp. I am still a deadly combination of anxiety and depression. I am still overwhelmed and trying to love myself. I still react and live in my own head. I still avoid responsibilities and fear confrontation. All this shows itself in my relationships with myself, my partner, my friends, my family. I spend a lot of time ugly crying and it’s not pretty, ya feel?
I’m ready for the moment I don’t dread the sound of another day and can engage with the world in the way I want to. How do I get there? I have to pay attention. Reading books like SLOW remind me that growth is good, but contentment might be better. Trying to be better…all the damn time? Exhausting. The perfect person? We all know they just don’t fucking exist.
I am learning. Learning that not everything has to be so rigid. Will the world end if I don’t change my toothbrush every three months? Sometimes it feels that way. I could get an infection! But, bacteria! And that’s just how rigid I am about a toothbrush…
It’s the holidays. I want to go slow. I deleted all my reminders on my phone. My to-do lists. This is akin to what I imagine abandoning a religion is like. I don’t know who I am without a list of things governing my life and days. Not every day is going to be my perfect ideal day. I’ll have to learn that balance must be fluid and flexible. That I can’t do everything and be everywhere. That being organized is great, but rigidity is problematic. I want to experiment on giving up on the unrealistic scrolls of to-dos, and just…BE.
Contentment feels like peace. Dear lawd, I need some inner peace these days. No competition, no constant striving to be better, no unrealistic expectations. Of course, I still desire improvement and crave change. But, I want to learn to appreciate the beauty of those changes happening slowly, gradually.
Who knows, you might see me practicing deep breathing and meditation soon. For now, though, I’m going to focus on paying attention. I’m gonna enjoy the holidays with my cute AF boyfriend and do lots of cheesy couple things. MAY YOU GO SLOW & PAY ATTENTION, friends. Happy holidays!