how to survive a breakup clickbait, vol 23

I SURVIVED MY FIRST ADULT BREAKUP! I did whatever I needed to do to support myself and get through that shit show. Which means feeling all the feelings. Breakups fucking suck, period. You’re grieving the loss of a whole person that is no longer in your life in a very specific way. No sense in pretending like it’s not a BFD, y’all.

Are you going through a breakup? Here’s what helped me! Also, never listen to me because I learn everything the hard way!

First, CRY. It’s healthy! And good for your skin…? What better time to watch unrealistic rom-coms and ugly cry about your new single life? I found inner peace hysterically cry-laughing at one of my favorite movies, Silver Linings Playbook, and yelling, “YEAH YA JERK, YOU ARE NOT A STAND UP GUY!!!”.

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Let people support you! Invite your friends over to make food! Then, make them cook while you sit on the floor sobbing and repeat the same story for the hundredth time!!! Eat absolutely NONE of the food they cooked because you’re depressed AF!

Keep talking as much as you want to about your breakup to anyone who will listen. PRO TIP: Ask if they have the mental capacity to listen to you before you treat your friends and family like therapists! You are so being so extra during this breakup and you knowww it!

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Are you angry? Be nice enough so that you can get your shit back before you unleash the kraken. There is never a need for a favorite sweater casualty!

Impulsive Amazon purchases are totally fine for the next 48 hours! You NEED that fancy personal smoothie blender for this new chapter of your life gurl!!!

Consider the “NO CONTACT” breakup rule. Try to follow this rule. Download a countdown app to track thirty days of no contact. Keep resetting the clock because you HAVE to send that shitty email. Make it to day twelve until something stupid happens. Break the chain because you reallllly need to send that “Bye, Felicia” gif. THAT WILL SHOW THEM.

Some breakups are amicable. Some are…not. Do you need revenge? OK! Get revenge if you need it, but, have some dignity! Only do things you’re willing to tell your therapist or the authorities about! If you go this route, you MUST be willing to field messages from acquaintances who saw that fake tinder profile you posted of your ex! And don’t actually slash their tires, fools! Just tell them you did for effect and to laugh at the thought of them running outside to check! It will make them so mad they will call you, “a damn fruitcake!“.

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Get rid of everything sentimental, or things that remind you of them. I gave my friend a box that included a magnet, slippers, sushi rice, and one polaroid photo. This made me laugh because I realized I had NOTHING sentimental to get rid of. I am the most sentimental person ever so why did I even date this person ???

OK, you can think about cutting your hair, BUT DO NOT CUT YOUR OWN HAIR. This is one thing I have finally learned my lesson on. Every DIY haircut has always left me looking like Lloyd Fucking Christmas.

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If you need change, try throwing away all your old underwear and going to Victoria’s Secret for the first time since high school! Walk through the mall being absolutely mortified at what you are doing!

Take some time for yourself to rediscover who you are without this person. Get the hell outta dodge if you can! Cry on the phone to your mom until she buys you a ticket to Florida. That always works for me!

…and finally, when you are ready, whatever the fuck that means, start dating again! Revamp your old online dating profile and immediately start crying because you remember how awful it was. Try anyways!

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Whew, I am beyond grateful to be on the other side of that breakup. I always say this, but life is weird. I’ve only met the sweetest dudes from online dating since then, and one of them is actually my boyfriend! How did that happen? I guess I just had to wait for that “nice Jewish boy” everyone talks about.

If you’re going through a breakup, you’re gonna get through this. Give yourself time. Sometimes things don’t work out and that’s OK. Soon it will all be a distant memory. As the wise philosopher Gotye once said…”Now you’re just somebody that I used to know“.

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xo

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the great stand up, vol 14

dating

Congratulations to me! I have hit the dating milestone I was most looking forward to: being stood up. And yes, it’s as terrible as they say it is.

I write this 112 minutes after I showed up for a date with a person I had seen four times prior. In online dating world, four is a magical fucking number. Also, this was DINNER. I had high hopes.

…92 minutes after I realized this person I liked was actually going to let me sit alone at a restaurant. That I was actually being stood up. This was happening.

…89 minutes after the waiter asked for my table. It was first come first serve and I hadn’t ordered anything. I almost bit his head off, but instead I nodded and left.

…84 minutes after walking in the rain back to a bus stop to go home. But, then the various stages of being stood up settled in: denial, anger, intense sadness. So, I grabbed a Lyft instead because hell no I am not being that person that loses their shit on a bus. I will choose to lose my shit in a car with one stranger like an ADULT.

…73 minutes after I got home and replayed everything in my head. It makes sense, Britt, there was a lot of bullshit. Then, he legit told you a few hours prior to standing you up that he’s torn between you and a pool table and tried to cancel your dinner plans. That he made. LAST TIME I CHECKED A POOL TABLE DOESN’T HAVE SEX WITH YOU. PRIORITIES!?! 

…and 68 minutes after a total emotional breakdown and rollercoaster ride of ALL. THE. FEELINGS. Because no matter how much you love yourself, it still fucking hurts. Relationships hurt. A lot. Perks of being a self-diagnosed highly sensitive person.

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I can still feel the sadness re-reading my last post about my not great dating experience. That was a hard time. This dating experience brings a different kind of sadness. What I learned from my last experience was that I assumed everything. What our relationship was, how they felt, what their actions meant. This time, I practiced vulnerability, said what I felt, and asked the questions I wanted to ask. So, why was I still upset?

…uh, DUH. It’s because having to deal with the emotions that come with ending something you know is bad for you is hard. You have to ask yourself if you’re strong enough to walk away from something that hurts you. You have to demand respect from others through your actions. Doing so involves confrontation and standing up for yourself.

Ya know what, though? We’re supposed to be uncomfortable. We’re meant to have tough conversations and learn from them. That is how we GROW. We can handle people’s standards and expectations for us to be good people. Being a good person means you take responsibility for your shitty actions.

I do not believe in taking the high road when people disrespect you. Check your bullshit at the door. The truth fucking hurts. Some people deserve a good ol’ fashioned, “fuck off”. Some people need for others to put them in their place. I fully expect and hope for people to put me in mine.

Buuuut, being a good person also means being able to be the BIGGER person. Forgive, learn how to communicate better, take responsibility for your own actions if you’re too harsh, and move forward. It’s gonna take me a minute – but eventually I hope dude who stood me up and I can be friends. We’re all just doing the best we can, right?

So friends, just a friendly reminder you’re not alone in this world. Even if you do crawl into your bed alone each night. Everything’s gonna be OK. I promise. If you have any self-doubt…ask yourself, “What would Frances do?”. Answer: TAKE NO SHIT AND SWALLOW MEN WHOLE, USING THEIR BONES AS UTENSILS (but also communicate before that happens).

frances

three months of online dating, vol 7

Molly: “You gotta fuck a lot of frogs to get a good frog.”

Issa: “That’s not the saying. Or any saying.”

Insecure, HBO

September 5th, 2017

Today is your 25th birthday. Look at you, Brittany! You’ve accomplished everything you set out to do this year. You changed careers, moved to a new city, and are so excited about life. You know what would make life even better? A partner to share it with! Yes, I know you don’t NEED a partner…but for the first time in your life you WANT one! Shit…this means I have to start dating. I’ve never dated. Where do I start? Hmm…online dating? I dunno…is that how you want to meet someone? I guess you can hope to meet someone organically in a coffee shop or library or something. What? YES, I know this is 2017…ugh, so that means I can’t still be a hopeless romantic? OK, let’s go out, have a few beers, and think about it. Alright…Bumble. The “feminist” one! Sweet. Oh right, I have to put pictures on this thing. I hate pictures. OK…about me. I hate writing about me. I don’t want to do this anymore. Er…OK, has to be something witty and with a little spunk so they think I’m super cool and interesting, but also PERFECT. Alright…swiping…swiping. Wait, what am I even looking for on this app? A husband? Someone to waste time with? A fuck buddy? Breathe. Don’t take it too seriously! You’re in it for the learning experiences. Yeah, I want love but can also be a casual relationship kinda person. I can totally suppress any feelings I have in the name of “fun”. No big deal. I’m just gonna put myself out there and see what happens. Do something that scares you everyday, right? OMG. I kinda skipped the whole college casual sex with hot dudes phase…that’s the real point of these apps, right? I can be that girl! HAHA, no. Maybe? I’ll sleep on it. I mean, it’s been how long? Don’t answer that. I DESERVE LOVE AND INTIMACY TOO. Oooooh, he’s cute. We matched! This is so fun!

December 16th, 2017

NOPE. DONE. WHAT THE SHIT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU? So much for being the cool girl that goes with the flow. You’re a crazy bitch…but I kinda love you for it. No, forreal though, who are you? Did you really run away from *Brad last night after pretending to make a phone call? Like, physically sprint blocks and blocks because you panicked? He called the cops because he thought you were abducted!

“Um…oh, hi policeman. No, I’m alive and well. I just realized I didn’t want to actually sleep with that guy and didn’t know what else to do. Have you read that article where it says women sleep with men to be polite? THAT WAS GONNA BE ME. Do you want that for me? …hello? HELLO?”.

Wow…maybe you are an asshole. It’s been a few months of dating and you’ve already gone off the deep end. Yes…I know you are still hung up about *Chad who played you like he (POORLY) does his stupid fiddle. I don’t care if that’s immature. You only dated Chad for six weeks! Why are you so upset? It’s OK, I understand. I mean, holy shit…you ACTUALLY liked someone for the first time in your adult life. It sucks to catch glimmers of what life might look like sharing it with another person and then having it CRASH. Also, sexxx is real nice. You’re only human; and you did the right thing! You love yourself too much and have come too far to waste your time with fools.

This was the guy who went from taking you on amazing dates (even a 24 hour road trip one WTF) and wanting to see you at least once a week if not more and doing very non-casual couple-y things to Mr. Sorry I’m Unavailable All 72 Hours of the Weekend Now but How is Your Day & Oh Can’t See You Much Because the “Holidays” guy. The guy who for the first time in history actually wanted to watch a movie…AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM IN HIS FUCKING CHAIR. The guy who was too tired to come over when you gave your super sexy “hey, so, my vibrator ran out of batteries if you wanna come over instead…” line.

The inconsistency and ambivalence was blinding. But rather than ending it, he was gonna string you along until he found something better. Which is why YOU put the brakes on the relationship. But then you felt bad because what if you made a mistake and he was busy!? But then you said NO NO NO you will not tolerate that busy line bullshit.

And thank god you didn’t go along with it because this turned out to be the same guy who went out of his way to swipe up another Bumble-bee and meet her at a bar…A BLOCK FROM YOUR HOUSE that following weekend. So he doesn’t have time to continue to get to know this bomb ass chick (you, duh) he’s been poking on the reg but he has time to BE ON THIS DAMN APP AND START BRAND NEW RELATIONSHIPS??? GFY, dude!

How do you know this? Doesn’t matter. Like Beyoncé says…what’s worse? Looking jealous or crazy? In this story, you’d rather be crazy. But crazy is exhausting and NOT you, so that side of you is canceled. Should you feel bad? Maybe, but HELL NO. How long has he lived his life treating people that way? Probs forever, but he messed with the wrong person’s heart this time. He did NOT know what kind of midwestern self-deprecating white trash he was fooling with. Also, Danna told her therapist and she said it was a hilarious story which obviously makes it not insane if the therapist is on your side.

Why do people do this rather than be honest? It’s not the dating other people that hurts the most but the lying about being busy! The excuses and mind games! Chalk it up to his low self-esteem and emotional unavailability. Emotional honesty is hard but you are willing to look inward and grow with another person. You are not responsible for other people’s inability to do the same. Fuck the logic spewed to women that says “sit back and do nothing while a guy makes up his mind whether he’s interested or not”. Nah…you decide how people are going to treat you. ALWAYS trust yourself. You knew something was off, but next time do your part with communicating so you don’t feel like your entire relationship was based on assumptions.

This was a beautiful reminder you are human, flawed, sensitive, scared…but you get up every single day and TRY. Every day you work towards a life lived kindly, freely, honestly, fearlessly. That’s something! Now…move forward, crank up The Bodyguard soundtrack, and dance like one of those rap guy’s girlfriends. Frank Farmers are out there waiting for you. Whitney knows what’s up!

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I hope your dating life is going MUCH better, friends! Here’s to supporting myself this week by enjoying the goddamn holidays alone, baking lotsa cookies, and being grateful for every single moment of my stupid lil’ life.

*names have been changed for privacy, obvs.